A lot of things changed when I moved to Savannah. Though some of it was dark at times, I believe in the end the process helped me become stronger and realize who I was and what it was that I wanted. One thing that the south taught me was to slow down and just go at a much slower pace. At times this killed me and I complained that I was living at a snail pace but really it taught me a lot. It allowed me to slow down, contemplate, focus on me and what I felt was important.
When I returned to New York I recalled not rushing to the train or if something came up that was outside my control, not to sweat it. My friend Brandon told me that it was going to wear off. Well, we’re 8 months in and so far I am still very chill. I very much like that. I do not allow things that are out of my control to affect me. Today it took me 2 hours to get to work on the bus. It was extremely crowded and everyone on the bus was on pins and a couple of times slurs were thrown across the bus to other people. People are just on edge.
I really don’t understand people.
Here we’re sitting in one of the worst storms to hit NYC and just about everyone is complaining and annoyed. Most don’t have water, electricity, and have lost all normalcy of their daily life. It’s as if they’ve forgotten the 111 homes that burned down on Monday in Queens, or the people who just died in Cuba, or how about the Syrians. I think people are so selfish and when someone puts their finger in their life and starts poking around, they flip out. We have it so lucky here in America and I think at times we can be some real fucking assholes and so inconsiderate. Your life is not that bad!
So the next time you call me from your 695$ room with plush linens, electric, and room service and complain that you didn’t receive your New York Times this morning, I will not apologize for not giving a fuck.
I am not sure what triggered it. Maybe it was the last 2+ months of not having contact, but I feel a shift this past weekend. I feel like the storm almost cleansed me in a sense. I saw him on Monday on my way home from Don’s place, I was in the area so I decided to pick up my bike pump. I am tired of looking at my bike and only seeing clothes draped over it. He was home, so I went over. I really didn’t want to see him. Of course certain emotions came back, like me wanting him on my back and tearing the sheets. I went home though.
Texting back and forth later in the day we both agreed that it was probably not the best thing to do. I, however, continued to text to try and come over. He ignored me. I realized that here I was being a fool. Clearly this guy does not want to be with you and here you are practically begging. I saw in that moment how pathetic I was being. How I was allowing the cycle to repeat. reset.
I woke up the next day feeling different. As if I had moved on and was going to allow myself to move on from that part of my life. I truly hope that it is the case.
I signed up to learn French at FIAF here in New York. I figured after taking 4yrs in High School, i should re-gain it pretty quick. When I took my oral placement test the instructor routinely chuckled so I am a bit worried, but i will pick up on it.
I need to stay busy. I need to stop being idle.
I also want to get out of New York. It has been something on my mind for a great deal of time and I figured learning another language could assist me in getting another job.
This city and I no longer are in love. This could definitely take up it’s own post entirely, but I have got to get out.
I’ve set a timetable. I want to stick to it. I am dying here.