Hamilton Heights | New York City
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31 acting 12
I, or we, have the power to produce a myriad of emotions from another human being. Depressed, ecstatic, confused, annoyed.
Lately I have been pissing a lot of people off.
My friend Brandon tells me that I only text him when I am drunk. Anthony says that he doesn’t like to be an after thought when plans have been made already. Jay doesn’t want to be plan C.
I never knew that I was really doing any of this until each one approached me. I wrote on FB last week, I believe, that if you’re still living in your past for some shit your parents did or didn’t do to you when you were a child to grow up and move on. After a certain age we become adults and responsible for our actions. We cannot continue to blame “x” for what is going on now. Need to grow up, move on. It’s so damn easier to say though. I always felt I disappointed my entire family  from father - to grandmother. Growing up there was a lot “why are you doing this..do it this way” … “what in hell are you going to do living in Washington..” A constant shadow of doubt over me. Now as an adult I doubt myself daily. Doubt my art, my love, myself, my time. Is anything I put out worth it..comes down to that I really just don’t love myself.
I tried to explain to Brandon and Anthony, separately, that I am not texting them in the middle of my plans to invite them out because I do not want to see them, no. I don’t text them initially because I feel that my plans or just being with me is insignificant. I couldn’t imagine them wanting to  drop everything that they’re doing to me meet me for a blizzard at DQ. If i am going to some ‘basic’ party I wouldn’t  text certain people because I feel that they’re above it. Basically downplaying my worth. When I should just text you if I want to hang out with you and let you decide what you want instead of deciding for you. The drinking of course allows some inhibitions to escape and then since I really wanted to see you in the first place, I text you while I am out with other people.
It makes my friends feel insignificant, interesting how my deflection of feelings gets absorbed others.
..from the start I told Jay that I was not in a healthy place but he said that I had some sort of way over him that he could not understand or control. I told him that I was terrified of hurting him and that I could honestly not offer him anything. He decided that he would take a roll of the dice. Over the course of several months we laughed a lot, cried, argued, cuddled at night, and sat at opposite ends of the room from one another. I told him that my only serious relationship ended much like the Hindenburg. A blaze of fire that slowly plummeted to earth and how I am deathly afraid of relationships. I disappointed and hurt people in my past so much that I would just rather seclude myself in my apartment and not hurt anyone. Ultimately Jay took the chance on love and in the end is hurt and we’re not speaking right now.
I cannot say that I can’t move on from my past or don’t know how to. I have pretty much looked over my life the last two years and dissected why I act the way I do since childhood and figured much of it out. For whatever reason, I am unwilling or too lazy to take the steps it requires to move beyond my past. There are a great deal of days where I am so strong, but the lows outweigh the highs and dark morbid thoughts enter my brain and keep me down.
My biggest fear is that I will never find happiness and live like this forever, just a slow spin cycle of shitty thoughts and actions.
Hamilton Heights | New York City
Web |  Twitter |  Instagram |  Soundcloud
31 acting 12
I, or we, have the power to produce a myriad of emotions from another human being. Depressed, ecstatic, confused, annoyed.
Lately I have been pissing a lot of people off.
My friend Brandon tells me that I only text him when I am drunk. Anthony says that he doesn’t like to be an after thought when plans have been made already. Jay doesn’t want to be plan C.
I never knew that I was really doing any of this until each one approached me. I wrote on FB last week, I believe, that if you’re still living in your past for some shit your parents did or didn’t do to you when you were a child to grow up and move on. After a certain age we become adults and responsible for our actions. We cannot continue to blame “x” for what is going on now. Need to grow up, move on. It’s so damn easier to say though. I always felt I disappointed my entire family  from father - to grandmother. Growing up there was a lot “why are you doing this..do it this way” … “what in hell are you going to do living in Washington..” A constant shadow of doubt over me. Now as an adult I doubt myself daily. Doubt my art, my love, myself, my time. Is anything I put out worth it..comes down to that I really just don’t love myself.
I tried to explain to Brandon and Anthony, separately, that I am not texting them in the middle of my plans to invite them out because I do not want to see them, no. I don’t text them initially because I feel that my plans or just being with me is insignificant. I couldn’t imagine them wanting to  drop everything that they’re doing to me meet me for a blizzard at DQ. If i am going to some ‘basic’ party I wouldn’t  text certain people because I feel that they’re above it. Basically downplaying my worth. When I should just text you if I want to hang out with you and let you decide what you want instead of deciding for you. The drinking of course allows some inhibitions to escape and then since I really wanted to see you in the first place, I text you while I am out with other people.
It makes my friends feel insignificant, interesting how my deflection of feelings gets absorbed others.
..from the start I told Jay that I was not in a healthy place but he said that I had some sort of way over him that he could not understand or control. I told him that I was terrified of hurting him and that I could honestly not offer him anything. He decided that he would take a roll of the dice. Over the course of several months we laughed a lot, cried, argued, cuddled at night, and sat at opposite ends of the room from one another. I told him that my only serious relationship ended much like the Hindenburg. A blaze of fire that slowly plummeted to earth and how I am deathly afraid of relationships. I disappointed and hurt people in my past so much that I would just rather seclude myself in my apartment and not hurt anyone. Ultimately Jay took the chance on love and in the end is hurt and we’re not speaking right now.
I cannot say that I can’t move on from my past or don’t know how to. I have pretty much looked over my life the last two years and dissected why I act the way I do since childhood and figured much of it out. For whatever reason, I am unwilling or too lazy to take the steps it requires to move beyond my past. There are a great deal of days where I am so strong, but the lows outweigh the highs and dark morbid thoughts enter my brain and keep me down.
My biggest fear is that I will never find happiness and live like this forever, just a slow spin cycle of shitty thoughts and actions.

Hamilton Heights | New York City

Web | Twitter | Instagram | Soundcloud

31 acting 12

I, or we, have the power to produce a myriad of emotions from another human being. Depressed, ecstatic, confused, annoyed.

Lately I have been pissing a lot of people off.

My friend Brandon tells me that I only text him when I am drunk. Anthony says that he doesn’t like to be an after thought when plans have been made already. Jay doesn’t want to be plan C.

I never knew that I was really doing any of this until each one approached me. I wrote on FB last week, I believe, that if you’re still living in your past for some shit your parents did or didn’t do to you when you were a child to grow up and move on. After a certain age we become adults and responsible for our actions. We cannot continue to blame “x” for what is going on now. Need to grow up, move on. It’s so damn easier to say though. I always felt I disappointed my entire family  from father - to grandmother. Growing up there was a lot “why are you doing this..do it this way” … “what in hell are you going to do living in Washington..” A constant shadow of doubt over me. Now as an adult I doubt myself daily. Doubt my art, my love, myself, my time. Is anything I put out worth it..comes down to that I really just don’t love myself.

I tried to explain to Brandon and Anthony, separately, that I am not texting them in the middle of my plans to invite them out because I do not want to see them, no. I don’t text them initially because I feel that my plans or just being with me is insignificant. I couldn’t imagine them wanting to  drop everything that they’re doing to me meet me for a blizzard at DQ. If i am going to some ‘basic’ party I wouldn’t  text certain people because I feel that they’re above it. Basically downplaying my worth. When I should just text you if I want to hang out with you and let you decide what you want instead of deciding for you. The drinking of course allows some inhibitions to escape and then since I really wanted to see you in the first place, I text you while I am out with other people.

It makes my friends feel insignificant, interesting how my deflection of feelings gets absorbed others.

..from the start I told Jay that I was not in a healthy place but he said that I had some sort of way over him that he could not understand or control. I told him that I was terrified of hurting him and that I could honestly not offer him anything. He decided that he would take a roll of the dice. Over the course of several months we laughed a lot, cried, argued, cuddled at night, and sat at opposite ends of the room from one another. I told him that my only serious relationship ended much like the Hindenburg. A blaze of fire that slowly plummeted to earth and how I am deathly afraid of relationships. I disappointed and hurt people in my past so much that I would just rather seclude myself in my apartment and not hurt anyone. Ultimately Jay took the chance on love and in the end is hurt and we’re not speaking right now.

I cannot say that I can’t move on from my past or don’t know how to. I have pretty much looked over my life the last two years and dissected why I act the way I do since childhood and figured much of it out. For whatever reason, I am unwilling or too lazy to take the steps it requires to move beyond my past. There are a great deal of days where I am so strong, but the lows outweigh the highs and dark morbid thoughts enter my brain and keep me down.

My biggest fear is that I will never find happiness and live like this forever, just a slow spin cycle of shitty thoughts and actions.